The Summer of 11:11s
"Ayesha, it's 11:11! Make a wish!" That's basically what I told myself almost every single day of this summer. Since I was a little girl, every time I noticed it was 11:11, I'd make a wish. Me catching an 11:11 was almost as rare as me seeing a shooting star (oh, I make wishes on those too), so my wishes usually were for more immediate things. "I wish to pass this spelling test," "I wish that Amma let's me go to the lock in on Wednesday night," "I wish ____ text's me today," "I wish...."
This summer, somehow, I caught so many 11:11s. I didn't actually notice until I started running out of things to wish for, and so started wishing for the same things over and over again. So, this was also the most stressful summer of my life. And I know I've been saying that almost every summer since I turned 20, but I don't know... I think this one takes the cake.
There were so many things running around in my mind and causing me stress. Some things were from my past, some from my present, and some from my future. I just wrote a huge post about everything that caused me anxiety this past summer, but decided to delete all of it. It doesn't matter. What does matter, though, are those 11:11s. Even though I had more stress and anxiety this summer than anytime before in my life (thank you all of my previous life's traumas for turning me into this mess), I kept making those wishes.
You see, a lot happened this summer. I moved. I finished school (completely! I've been in school nonstop since kindergarten, and now I have three degrees behind my back. I'm done!). I got a job that starts, well, tomorrow. I applied for my work authorization and freaked out that it wouldn't come in time. I worried about something else, that I want to keep personal. A lot happened. It was quite an eventful summer. And every time I hit those 11:11s, I wished for whatever was the closest thing causing me stress. For example, I wished I'd get a job. Then I wished I'd survive my last month of graduate school. Then I wished I'd get an apartment I like. Then I wished my move would go smoothly. Throughout all those wishes, I also wished that my OPT would process in time.
I realized I was living in survival mode. And quite honestly, I've been living in survival mode for years now. It's not something new to me. I feel like I've spent more of my life living in survival mode than not. Every time I think things are settling down, something else happens. There's something new to worry about. And it's never just little things, like, oh I hope I pass that exam. It's always big things. And it's made me extremely strong, but also made me realize my soul has become very tense, and always ready for the worst. This summer of 11:11s made me face this, and now I'm slowly trying to breathe in and breathe out, and let my soul relax. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need to be in survival mode anymore, and that it's all going to be okay. Because, well, it is.
Everything worked out. I was so worried about moving, especially without being allowed to drive. But hey, I moved, and I love where I'm living now. I was so worried about my OPT not being approved in time, but it was! It was approved right on time, actually. I was so worried about so many things, but they all worked out. I MADE IT. I'm okay. I'm fine. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself, haha. It's something I'm still working on :).
What I'm trying to get to is that all my 11:11 wishes from this past summer came true. Well, the "immediate" ones - I'm still waiting to see about the future ones! Maybe that's because I wished for things that were probably going to come true anyways (a self-fulfilling prophecy), but even though that's the logical answer, I don't think that's the right one.
This summer, filled with 11:11s, taught me to have a little more faith in God, the universe, and destiny, and in the plan He has for my life. I am 25 years old now, and I think this age is a real turning point for me. I think I am finally going to allow myself to come out of survival mode, and instead of fighting against the universe, allow the universe to take me on the journey it has planned for me. I mean, I'm going on that journey whether I like it or not, so I might as well enjoy the ride, right? That's what I mean. It is all going to be okay. It is.
Thank you, summer of 2019 and all of your 11:11s, for making me make it through the last mile of this marathon and helping me realize I was in survival mode, and that it's okay to let go of that. I promise, Universe, I will have more faith in you. Today marks the end of this era, and tomorrow marks the beginning of a new one.
Here I come, new life. I'm ready for you.
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