Random Thoughts on a Random Sunday

Hi, world. It's been a while.

I've been going through a lot in my personal life. And I know this is (quite literally) my diary. But I don't think I am ready to share all of that just yet. Maybe I'm just not ready to process it and come to terms with it. What I can say, however, is I think I have spent a significant part of my 20's wishing so badly to be "normal". Typical. Boring. Dreaming of a parallel life in which I am a mono-cultural person rather than a TCK. I think a lot of that stems from the pain I have suffered because of my TCK identity and the struggles that come along with being that. My 20's have been filled with resentment mixed with intense protection and pride towards my TCK identity.

I've also felt intense anger towards other friends who claim to be TCKs or call themselves TCKs when maybe other terms such as cross-culture kid (CCK) would be more appropriate. And I feel ridiculous feeling that way, let alone writing that down for the world to read right now, but it is the truth. I think, again, a lot of that stems from the pain I've suffered from being a TCK, so when others who have not "suffered" in the same way I have, so when others who would not fit in the definition of TCK nor have experienced the same problems I have, take on this rare identification, it upsets me. It makes my struggles, pain, and experiences feel belittled and "normalized", when in reality, my life has been anything but normal. Even if I've so badly wanted normalcy.

I am turning 29 in less than a month. In just a few days actually. It's really hard for me to see my 20's "wasted", in some ways. In other ways, I am amazed at how far I have come... I have achieved more in these 29 years than most do in their whole lives. Mostly because most (normal) people do not have to go through the things I've had to go through, but still. I'm not really sure where I am trying to go with this. I guess I am just letting out thoughts that I have kept in for the past few years.

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted anything here until last night. I was surprised at myself because so much has happened since the date of my last post (April, 2021). It is now November, 2022. I saw my parents again after one year and seven months apart during the world's shutdown / Covid-19 Pandemic. I also saw my brother Adeen, and his bride Mahvish, after over two years. I finally had a chance to celebrate their wedding with them; I wasn't able to attend because it was abroad, in Ireland, and Covid-19 had just taken the world by storm. I finally left the U.S. and went abroad again, to England and to Pakistan, while on an H1B work visa. That was terrifying. And the fact that it terrified me also opened my eyes up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to find "home" here in the U.S., which also terrified me. And, then, that happened. The thing that I'm still processing and not ready to talk about here just yet. But oh man, how that made me hate being a TCK all over again.

Well. Here I am. I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.

I hope you have all been well.

Love,
​Ayesha